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Joke of the Day

"Turns out I wasn't in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts"

"I like my women like I like my golf score Mid-eighties and with slight handicap."

"Why do pirates love sunny weather? Because there's lots of AYE ARRR (IR) radiation!"

"Why did the audience hate the pedophile guitarist? Because he broke a G string while fingering a minor"

"I think my cat's a communist... He won't shut up about Mao"

"Well well well, if it isn't the guy who hired me looking over my shoulder, watching me stare at my phone... Brb."

"Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out. Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork."

"I've just got my own valet and found people treat you completely differently. He's opened a lot of doors for me."

"Mayweather was boring tonight... If only they'd have thrown a woman in the ring, we could have seen him fight."

"DOC: good news is you'll make it ME: phew! DOC: ...into the the record book for stupidest way to die ME: *still vomiting marshmallows*"