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Joke of the Day

"Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton were playing chess... The comedy practically writes itself."

"Fuck. Was just recorded by the google earth car. Just to be clear, I was jerking off NEAR pigeons, not TO them."

"Does anyone else think Squidward's nose looks like...nevermind. There are children in the room."

"Why are gay men so creative? They think outside the box."

"I never warn my wife before I pull the anal beads out.. I like starting the mower on the first tug."

"Me: Do you want dinner? BF:sure, what are my choices? Me:yes or no."

"[quietly] ""Always a bridesmaid never the bride"" BRIDE: Hey, you're not one of my bridesmaids! ""Shhh...this day is about you, not me."""

"Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They'll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman."

"All generalizations are false, including this one."

"I don't let my cat outside. I'm worried he might talk to other cats & find out that their owners don't force them to wear little party hats."