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Joke of the Day

"My father always had affectionate nicknames for my older sister and me She was *oops*, and I was *oh shit*"

"Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I'm like, ""what is wrong with me??"" because I just got my car washed."

"A book never written: ""Secret Societies"" by E. Lumin Audi"

"I plan to watch some movie with girlfriend this evening. Can somebody recommend a girlfriend?"

"I saw a man drinking brake fluid. But then he stopped."

"Says the Titanic to the Iceberg... so I was sinking..."

"My dad smeared glue all over his Uzi, and he say's his Glock is next. He can't be talked out of it. He's sticking to his guns."

"The ex wife once told me her greatest fantasy was kneeling in front of me while I spurted all over her. She never mentioned it was my blood."

"If it's any consolation, Jim Morrison, Biggie Smalls, and Jesus would all have died from natural causes by now."

"Did you hear about the Rabbi who made his own fireworks? He called them Mazel Tov Cocktails ^(I am **so** sorry) ^^I'll ^^see ^^myself ^^out."