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Joke of the Day

"Security is going to be heightened at all showings of Star Wars.......... out of the fear of all apple geniuses and IT technicians being simultaneously taken out."

"My dad can beat up your mom. If she's anything like my mom."

"Treat your women like your smartphone; touch them a lot."

"Your eyes say ""No, no!"" but your ball gag says...""Mmmph! Mmmph!"" Whatever, you have a boner so that's really all the affirmation I need."

"What do you call a nun in a wheelchair ? Virgin Mobile"

"Do you know who REALLY gets irony? Skydiving schools. Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate! *releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*"

"Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle."

"Why doesn't Smokey the Bear have sex with his wife? Because whenever She gets hot, he hits her with a shovel."

"I put the STD in ""STUD"" ... all I need is ""U"""

"What does a stripper eat for thanksgiving dinner? Twerky"