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Joke of the Day

"Tip for drowning your enemies: Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool."

"How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, let the bitch do the ironing in the dark."

"My wife has a tatoo of a shell on the inside of her thigh If you put your ear against it you can smell the sea"

"Doctor: What seems to be th- Me: -Medicinal marijuana! Doc: I'm sorry? Me: Let's start with the answer, then work on the problem, ok?"

"""You had a bad day? Let me fix that by simply existing."" -puppies"

"Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don't use your girlfriend's urine for testing."

"NEVER shake a baby. Unless you think it might have money in it."

"ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say ""don't try this at home""? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face."

"Bartender: ""Do you want a drink, miss?""nnMe: ""What are my choices?""nnBartender: ""Yes or No."""

"LMAOSHMSFOAIDMT = Laughing my ass off so hard my sombrero fell off and I dropped my taco."