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Joke of the Day

"What did the Bra say to the hat? You go on ahead I'm going to stay to give these two a lift!"

"Hillary demands that Trump release his tax returns Trump says - I'll email them to you."

"You're right, sir. It's MY fault that your credit card was declined. Please, tell me again how much money you have in that account."

"My friend lives in Colorado and wanted to start growing weed on his cow farm. I told him it wasn't a good idea. The steaks would be too high."

"People ask me to do things months in advance and I'm like, WOW, how does it feel not to expect you might die by freak accident at any time?"

"I don't trust stairs... They look like they're up to something."

"90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies."

"If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!"

"What's the worst part about necrophilia? When you get stiff before she does."

"I went to my doctor and he told me I had to stop masturbating... I asked him why, and he said ""So I can examine you!"""