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Joke of the Day

"""WHOM WHOM WHOM""-owl that never gets invited to parties"

"I lift at the gym the stairs are too much effort"

"If he buys your drink, but you're really not interested? Smile at him, thank him and then stick the olive up your nose."

"I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea."

"My oldest is 14 today. Daddy's baby is growing up. Soon she'll start looking for boyfriends and find them all dead under the floor boards."

"You are ugly!... A drunk guy screams at a woman: ""You are ugly!"". The woman replies: ""You are drunk!"" Guy: ""At least in my case, tomorrow I wont be anymore."""

"What's the difference between a piano, a tuna, and a pot of glue? You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna."

"[Arguing with a guy over who's tougher] *takes toothpick from mouth* ""When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce."""

"""It's going to be amazing!"" No, it's not."

"It was just yesterday where it was a requirement to say grace before every meal... Now the only importance before a meal is making sure you get glamour shot for instagram."