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Joke of the Day

"For just $28,000, I will teach any politician or politician's wife to wave like a normal human being."

"So I told my girlfriend... ""Hey, wanna try anal?"" She lost her shit on me."

"Women... are like hardwood floors. Lay 'em right the first time, and you can walk all over them for the rest of your life."

"Waiter I can't eat this meat it's crawling with maggots ! Quick run to the other end of the table and grab it as it goes by !"

"Have you ever noticed that in a pack of biscuits there are always broken ones? I don't know why they even bother putting them in."

"Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you're a parent: -showers -sitting down to eat -drinking coffee while it's hot -pooping"

"What is the best thing about twenty six year olds? There are twenty of them"

"[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife] ""Why no pants on?"" We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell"

"What do you call it when a King gets a vasectomy? A heir cut"

"Why don't you come sit on my lap and we can talk about the first thing that pops up?"