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Joke of the Day

"[if Lois Lane was a witness] Criminal: *puts on glasses* Lois Lane: I'm sorry, I've never seen this man before."

"Life is a highway and I don't have a car"

"What's the importance of capitalization? You can either help your Uncle Jack off a horse or you can help your uncle jack off a horse"

"I'm white, but not like ""has a golden retriever named Chance"" white."

"I was sitting on the toilet, constipated... The undropped turd asked me, ""Man, what did you eat?!"" ""A pound of cheese,"" I said. The turd said, ""You're shittin' me."" I said, ""I shit you not."""

"Did you hear One Direction is breaking up? They're heading separate ways."

"Put a load into the dryer and had to twist every dial to correct setting. I won't lie to you: it made me feel like a Space Captain"

"Two thieves try to steal a calendar. They each got six months."

"Collection of totally offensive jokes, not for the faint hearted"

"I told my girlfriend I wanted a nose job. She said sure if it would make me happy. So I fucked her up the nostril."