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Joke of the Day

"5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away? Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather. 5-year-old: Me: 5-year-old: Mom?"

"Best part of cleaning the apartment is putting new magazines on the coffee table so you can look cultured for the guests you don't have over"

"Knock Knock ""Who's There?"" ""Dwayne."" ""Dwayne who?"" ""Dwayne the bathtub, I'm dwowning!"""

"BREAKING NEWS: vaccinations do not work [camera cuts to several deflated balloon animals] look at these poor fellas"

"What do you do after raping a deaf girl? Break her fingers so she cant tell anyone."

"How much do I trust reddit? I went on /r/starwars before seeing the new Star Wars."

"A brand-new cigarette says to a used cigarette -Dude, you are a fag -Umm, Why? -I just saw five guys take turns in sucking your butt."

"Why are girls always cold? Because of their cold black hearts."

"""I need a boyfriend"" No, you WANT a boyfriend. You NEED water, cause you sound thirsty."

"remember swine flu??? retweet if you're a true 2009 kid"