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Joke of the Day

"I got peanut butter on my camera Now every picture is a jif"

"Have you ever looked at someone's phone's selfie wallpaper and look at the owner and look again at their selfie and back again to the owner?"

"I met a guy from Seattle on the chairlift when skiing today... I asked him if he wanted to do a run and he replied, ""No thanks, I'll pass."""

"It says a lot about someone... It says a lot about someone when they try to prank you by putting aluminum foil in the toilet bowl. It says even more about you when it works."

"Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion."

"Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It's a bird! *squints* It's a plane... *puts on glasses* Oh, it's a plane. Lois: CLARK?!?"

"Someday when I am a parent, I will not vaccinate my kids... I'll get a doctor to do it instead."

"What dog can you only find on the beach? A cockle spaniel!"

"We all make fun of Kristen Stewart for her wide variety of facial expressions, but she'd probably kick all our asses in poker."

"Call me when you have $50,000 and you'll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I'll throw in a second kid as a gift."