196160

Joke of the Day

"*starts throwing a fit* Iron man: Here. Eat a Snickers. Doctor Banner: Thanks, bro."

"What is the Great Gatsby's favorite superhero? Green Lantern. His least favorite? Deadpool."

"I'm teaching my 2 year old about currency so I can figure out what coin she just swallowed."

"I hate how much time my kids spend staring at their iPads. I wish they'd look up once in a while & pay attention to me staring at my iPhone."

"Just received an email saying: ""Want to see Celine Dion live?"" My first thought was that it was a ransom demand."

"WIFE: You know, you're my best friend! Am I your best friend? ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie"

"my life is all about getting strong and powerful and then marching on down to hell to challenge satan for the throne"

"Me: Feel free to name your next kid after me. Coworker: Why would I name my kid ""Giant Douchebag?"""

"Where does Dracula buy his pencils? Pennsylvania."

"I'm so glad that Twitter keeps track of my number of posts. It is so refreshing to be able to properly quantify my wasted time."