196013

Joke of the Day

"This is your brain: [hippo standing in a field] This is your brain on twitter: [100s of people surround the hippo patting it rhythmically]"

"I'd like to share a joke with you that my 2yo nephew told me. 2yo: Knock knock. Me: Who's there? 2yo: I don't know. *leaves"

"Why do baby boomers like fracking so much? Because figuratively breaking the country apart isn't enough."

"Why is it... old people say ""there's no place like home"", yet when you put them in one..."

"How do you catch a unique bird? Unique up on it."

"I like the lack of controversy over the Olympic men's figure skating ""No Need to Ask, We'll Tell!"" policy."

"I have this song in my head I haven't heard in years. I'm pretty sure it's called ""Don't Speak""? On second thought, there's no doubt in my mind."

"Mute goes to a wedding... After the ceremony he won't let go of his dick and everyone's a little put off by his public display. With his free hand, he signs ""Speak now or forever hold your peace""."

"Pickup line Hey there, wanna come over and watch porn on my 50 inch flat-screen mirror?"

"It's only 8:30 am and I've managed to work ""rock out with your cock out"" into a conversation. This day is already a winner."