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Joke of the Day

"My wife wanted a new mattress... I said I'd have to sleep on it."

"*Does something bad* Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*"

"Where do hipsters get their water? From a well, actually."

"Holy Kleenex, Batman! He was right under our nose, and we blew it!"

"I wanted to make a joke about quantum physics, but I wasn't sure if I should. So I did and didn't."

"Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o'clock Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o'clock]: I'm just gonna nap for an hour then"

"What did the leper say to the prostitute? (NSFW) You can keep the tip..."

"Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas. Him: I was gonna get lingerie. Me: Trust me. VS won't have your size. Him: Me: *jazz hands*"

"Cashier at McDonalds said ""See you later"" a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch."

"So proton calls up electron and says, ""Electron! It's proton, where the hell are you?"" And electron says, ""Um, I don't know. But I can tell you were I probably am!"""