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Joke of the Day

"Just bumped into a confused J.D Salinger... Just bumped into a confused J.D Salinger in the bread shop. He was looking for foccacia in the rye."

"How many vegetarians does it take to eat a bacon cheeseburger? One, if no one's looking."

"I told the barber, ""a little off the top."" So he gave me a circumcision."

"Me: you like that? *takes out trash* Wife: ooooh Me *starts vacuuming the living room* Wife: oh my god, don't stop"

"What's black and never works? DECAF YOU RACIST FUCK"

"Six hour flight home I'm stuck in the middle seat and the lady behind me won't stop saying ""awesomesauce"" pray for me please"

"An elderly Asian man goes to the eye doctor The doctor takes one look at his eyes and says ""Sir, I think you have cataracts"". To which his patient replies ""No i don't, i drive a rincoln rontinental""."

"Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building."

"The trouble with not having a goal is that you can spend your life running up and down the field and never score."

"That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you're with your new much younger pizza guy."