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Joke of the Day

"Stop. Stop it right now. I'm going to count to five. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. ~A parenting haiku."

"My Australian friend hit a sheep in his car the other day... ...I told him it doesn't matter where it happens, domestic violence is not okay."

"Cat with mental disorder The psychiatrist just diagnosed my cat for having dissociative identity disorder. She now have 45 lives."

"I'm pretty sure I'm going to die without knowing what 95% of a scientific calculator is used for."

"Trying to make pancakes this morning and it turns out I didn't get the spatula in the divorce."

"What do you call immigrants to Sweden? Artificial Swedeners"

"911: 911. What's your emergency? Me: I'm bleeding profusely. 911: Sir, this line is reserved for joke formats. Me: ..."

"Why do women live on average two years longer? Because the time they spend parking doesn't count"

"What's the definition of a period? A bloody waste of fucking time."

"Does anyone use question marks properly anymore."