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Joke of the Day

"I consider myself somewhat of a pussy magnet... ...I just need to learn how to change the polarity."

"Sometimes I drink water just to surprise my liver..."

"I just saw three dudes wearing denim shirts with denim jeans. Who's responsible for this shit? Canada? Was it you, Canada?"

"If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the entire country of Australia for 44 minutes."

"DO YOU EVEN LIFT BRO? I do take the lift sir."

"Mama Bear: Ok but last time Papa Bear: Thanks, babe [she puts on a Goldilocks wig] Mama Bear (falsetto): I can't sleep here! It's toooo hard"

"Everybody at this intervention is telling me I have a drug problem but I'm not the one with a melting eagle face & gyrating serpent arms."

"How do you congratulate a Jewish bodybuilder? Muscle Tov!"

"There is so much dust on that drawer that if you sneeze on it mattress will fall out."

"I love ""Choose your own adventures"" because my two favorite things are reading and blaming myself."