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Joke of the Day

"Why did John Lennon get shot? because Mark Chapman was a terrible shot, and kept missing Yoko."

"Life is like a penis. Simple, relaxed and hanging around freely... It's women who make it hard."

"String theory? It's more than just a theory, dude. String is real."

"Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let's dial back that ""It's 4 am!"" attitude, mmkay?"

"A blind man walks into a bar And then a chair. And then a table"

"For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years."

"I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word ""whatevs"" for the first time, so 17 years. It's been a good run."

"Kylo Ren: What was Vader like? Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved. Kylo: Leia: Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?"

"I watched a documentary about the victims of anorexia. Maybe I would have taken them more seriously if the camera didn't add 10 pounds."

"I'm opening a store that specializes in selling automatic weapons. It's called Bloodbath & Beyond"