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Joke of the Day

"my dad always makes fun of me for taking selfies all the time but if he didn't want such a beautiful child he should've kept it in his pants"

"Ted Nugent predicted Ted Nugent would be dead or in jail by now... which is just one more thing Ted Nugent is wrong about. (Jokes for the week of 4/13-4/19 @fridayupdate on twitter.)"

"Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? I still have to get up and take the disc out. It's like having a remote to open the fridge."

"Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme? Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order."

"My dog I bought myself a dog the other day. It's a cross between a shih tzu and a poodle. When people ask me what breed it is I tell them it's a shit poo"

"If you are having trouble getting your posts banned from r/science ""Deal with it"""

"Why do hamburgers feel sad at barbecues? They get to meet their old flames!"

"True: If you don't eat a whole basket of tortilla chips before your entree arrives in a Mexican restaurant it means you don't love your mom."

"Thought I saw God in my rear-view mirror yesterday... Turns out it was just a dog."

"So a guy walks into a bar with a gun. Angry he snarled, ""Aight, who the hell boned my wife and mom?"" The bartender shook his head and smiled, ""You don't have enough bullets bud."""