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Joke of the Day

"[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill] ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what's the problem officer"

"Hey thanks to whoever told me that Cubby Broccoli invented broccoli, I just looked like a real dipshit in front of my parents"

"I'm a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me."

"One of these days you'll see the real me. Probably next week. I'm almost out of concealer."

"What colour did Matthew McConaughey paint his house? All white, all white, all white..."

"1. Sits in the bedroom 2. Doesn't leave the house 3. Doesn't go out with freinds My childhood punishments are my adult hobies "

"Sometimes I end up watching cartoons after my kids have left the room. On a related note, has anyone seen my kids?"

"You really only have 2 options: 1. You can be miserable bc you're fat 2. You can be miserable bc you're hungry"

"What do you call a Mexican pervert? A pedrophile"

"My library charges me a dollar for every book I check out. It's a paper-view."