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Joke of the Day

"It's depressing to think how much more Dora the Explorer has seen and done in her life compared to mine"

"Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased"

"""Bite me, asshole"" - grammatically correct and scathing ""Bite me asshole"" - kinky pirate"

"How do thunderstorms invest their money? -In a combination of liquid assets and frozen assets"

"My son asked me to explain women to him so I told him we'd go to lunch and talk about it, then spent the next 3 hours getting dressed."

"Vending machines kill more people every year than sharks Obviously, how's a vending machine going to kill a shark?"

"I saw my friend's girl sleeping with another man in the army but didn't tell him... It was a private affair."

"I have got my own private jet, my wife owns rest of the hottub though."

"""Your resume says you've been to prison?"" Me: Sorry, that's a mistake ""So you haven't?"" Me: I have, I just didn't mean to put it on there"

"What do you call a brother and sister rack of ribs?? Riblings"