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Joke of the Day

"It's depressing to think how much more Dora the Explorer has seen and done in her life compared to mine"

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"Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased"
"""Bite me, asshole"" - grammatically correct and scathing ""Bite me asshole"" - kinky pirate"
"How do thunderstorms invest their money? -In a combination of liquid assets and frozen assets"
"My son asked me to explain women to him so I told him we'd go to lunch and talk about it, then spent the next 3 hours getting dressed."
"Vending machines kill more people every year than sharks Obviously, how's a vending machine going to kill a shark?"
"I saw my friend's girl sleeping with another man in the army but didn't tell him... It was a private affair."
"I have got my own private jet, my wife owns rest of the hottub though."
"""Your resume says you've been to prison?"" Me: Sorry, that's a mistake ""So you haven't?"" Me: I have, I just didn't mean to put it on there"
"What do you call a brother and sister rack of ribs?? Riblings"