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Joke of the Day

"I met a man whose feet were always asleep. I guess you could say he was comatoes."

"I just had an AMAZING salad at McDonalds. The toppings I chose were 4 big macs & 10 chicken mc nuggets with 9 sweet & sour packs as dressing"

"god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly god: lol ok"

"Nothing's louder than a quiet bathroom."

"We do apathetic derision better than any nation on earth. Probably. Can't be arsed to find out...and all statisticians are cunts."

"Yo momma's so fat that objects 5 meters away accelerate at 1 m/s^2 toward her. What is yo momma's mass if G = 6.67x10^-11Nm^2/kg^2? Please, someone help me, I can't solve it and it's making me nuts."

"Caspar: I was the teacher's pet last year. Jaspar: Why was that? Caspar: She couldn't afford a dog."

"""There will be snacks."" - someone successfully convincing me to do anything"

"I pick and choose the traffic laws I'll follow."

"I deserve an award for beating up a school shooter... I beat him up every day for nearly a year before he shot up the school."