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Joke of the Day

"I called work and told them I have Anal Glaucoma... Just couldn't see my ass coming in today."

"Did you hear about the crew members of the USS Enterprise that needed help climbing into their bunks? They were hoisted by their own Picard."

"Two skeptics walk into a bar.. I'd tell you what happens next but noone knows"

"Where do puppies go when they die? Back into the microwave so I can get in another round."

"I was dating a girl with a lazy eye... but caught her seeing someone on the side."

"Give me coffee to change the things I can change and wine to accept the things I can't."

"Hi folks, this is your captain speaking. How crazy is it that we're about to FLY. I still can't get over it. Wow. How does that even work."

"*tear runs down cheek ""Why are all these people dead on the inside?"" ""Sir, this is a morgue."""

"What's the difference between a terrorist and a civilian? I don't know man, I just fly the drones."

"Someone just tweeted something vague that made me think a celeb had died so I googled ""dead."" No dice! Thank god---hang in there, celebs!"