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Joke of the Day

"Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M's because let's be honest here."

"Yo momma smell so bad.... I can smell her retronasally."

"The gingham is holding a grudge because burlap and seersucker didn't invite corduroy to their party. Social fabric is complex."

"GOD: Mark, I have chosen you. You will know answers to all of life's mysteries, just listen to the voicemail I left you. ME: voicemail? ugh"

"So I suggested to my wife that she'd look sexier with her hair back... Which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient."

"What's the difference between a pizza and a Jew? A pizza can have pepperoni, Jews can't. Oh, and that other thing."

"My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It's so adorable."

"PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals ME: no problem [later w/ a group] ME: that's Greg, & that's Linda..."

"What do you call an Egyptian butt? A sphinxter"

"[reading book report] ME: Beyowulf is the story of a guy that turns into an wolf when he hears Beyonce TEACHER: Wrong. ME: Well, I tried."