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Joke of the Day

"Poached salmon on a bed of brown rice with peas or Roasted duck with polenta and organic green beans? Choosing dog food is hard."

"first you light 100 candles, then you fall asleep. this 'burn your house down' spell works every time"

"Her: is the game almost over? Me: this is just the first half Her: uggghh how many more halves are there? Me: you're pretty"

"Roses are red... Harambes in heaven, George Bush had advanced knowledge of 9/11."

"How much does it cost to buy multiple prosthetic limbs? An arm and a leg."

"I eat a lot of swordfish. I like to be ready in case there's a food fight."

"What are the three quickest ways of spreading a rumour (or gossip) Telegram Telephone Tell a woman Perhaps not very politically correct in the times we live in, but worth a slight chuckle."

"[NSFW] What's the difference between a woman and a Fridge? A Fridge doesn't fart when you take the meat out."

"You're not fat, you're just... easier to see."

"[phone makes noise] [gets giddy about how popular I'm about to feel] Oh. It's an email about car insurance. [quietly dies a little inside]"