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Joke of the Day

"How are Chile mining companies and catholic priests different? Chile mining companies get their minors stuck in shafts while catholic priests get their shafts stuck in minors"

"4-year-old: What's that? Me: A vegetable you won't like. If you don't tell Mom, I'll take it from you. *eats her bacon*"

"Why won't the honeydew marry the watermelon? Because they cantaloupe.."

"Dear Egyptians, please chill the fuck out while we consult our groundhog for advice."

"Computers are like old testament gods. Lots of rules and no mercy. Not mine, got it somewhere on the internet."

"France beat the Germans 2-0 but the terrorists have them at like 50-3"

"""Can I pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"" -""A little early isn't it, Woody?"" -""For a beer?"" -""No, for stupid questions."""

"Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks."

"To prepare her for real life I make my daughter pretend to tweet on a toy phone when she's taking a crap."

"A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, ""I slept with a Brazilian...."" The blonde replies, ""Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"""