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Joke of the Day

"Old people always poke me at weddings and say ""you're next."" I do the same thing to them at funerals"

"The boiled water died It shall be mist"

"U2 just announced a world tour. Are they going tosell tickets, or just break into my living room and start playing?"

"Watson returns from work one day... and finds Sherlock in bed with a very young girl. ""Christ, Sherlock! How old is this girl?"" ""Elementary, my dear Watson."""

"""why do they have such a nice house?"" -- my review of every movie"

"A flea jumped over the swinging doors of a saloon drank three whiskeys and jumped out again. He picked himself up from the dirt dusted himself down and said ""OK who moved my dog?"""

"What do you call a person with no arms and no legs in the middle of the ocean? Fucked."

"What do you call a beaten up pretzel? A salted pretzel"

"""I need to find somewhere to park,"" I told my wife. ""What about over there?"" she said. ""I can't,"" I replied, ""It says between 1 and 9 only."" ""Well, why is that stopping you?"" ""I'm 23."""

"*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall* *Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands* *Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*"