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Joke of the Day

"My wife's got that good at bonsai, we're having to move to a house with a smaller garden."

"I like people how I like my coffee... I don't like coffee!"

"[In line at Starbucks] [Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so- [Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS"

"What did you say to the policeman who spent eight hours on the Internet? Oh give it arrest."

"Where do the gays in New Mexico live? Santa FE GUURLL!!!!"

"I left my house for a five-mile-run this morning. But when I got a block away, I had to turn around and go back because I forgot something. I forgot I can't run five miles."

"Making a phone call that goes straight to voicemail releases dopamine."

"""You know what they say about blind prostitutes?"" ...""You've really got to hand it to them."" -Fred Willard"

"Relationships should come with an icon that shows you how much time you have left like your phone's battery."

"Knock Knock... Whos there? John. John who? *John begins to weep as he realizes his grandmothers Alzheimer's has progressed to a level where she no longer remembers his name.*"