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Joke of the Day

"They call it The ""I'm listening"". They call it The Dr. Crane. They call it... ... tossed salad and scrambled eggs."

"dear teenage me, it's the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don't kill yourself it's actually pretty fun"

"gf: i'm breaking up with you. me: is it my drinking habits? gf: well it... me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*"

"What did ""O"" said to ""Q""? ""Dude, your *thing* is hanging out"""

"take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me."

"Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security? ""The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out"""

"Some of you have had some fabulous public meltdowns this year. From all of us, thank you x"

"machines in a casino do you know which machine is the most likely to pay out? The ATM"

"If Drake owned a breakfast cereal franchise, what would it be called? OV O's!"

"My girlfriend is like my iPad i don't have an iPad."