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Joke of the Day

"my boss tried to throw me under the bus.. and get me to agree with him."

"Anyone seen the movie about the female eye doctor who's always naked when she kills her patients? It's called 'Lasik Instinct'."

"Convincing your girlfriend she's crazy is called gaslighting, and it's a dick move. Convincing her she's a robot is called bladerunning... It's a Phillip K. Dick move."

"New drinking game: Draw a card, if it's black take a shot... I call it Ferguson."

"So my friend told me... So my friend told me that onions are the only food that can make you cry. So I threw a watermelon at him."

"Anal sex is like a big red button with ""do not push"" on it... You know you shouldn't, butt fuck it."

"What is a prostitute's favorite region of America? The Bayou"

"[tearing off our clothes] Her: I want you. Take off your shoes. *kicks flip-flop through her TV*"

"Knock Knock Who's there ! Army Ant ! Army Ant who ? Army Ants coming for tea then ?"

"There are alot of Hillary signs in my neighborhood... When did she change her last name to 'For Prison'?"