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Joke of the Day

"How do you get down from a horse? You don't. You get down from a duck."

"My cats are named Ra and Isis. In ancient Egypt, they would have been gods."

"Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs. Me: Wait, what - even macaroni & cheese? Trainer: Ya. Me: ...I think we should see other people."

"What's the difference between amnesia and alzheimers? I can't remember."

"What's worse than getting dumped by your girlriend? Getting denied by a car when hitch-hiking."

"POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u *holds up picture of himself* ME: yes POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet ME: dang it"

"My friend taught his female dog to add. That sumbitch."

"What's the difference between a deaf person and an Italian? One talks with his hands and makes goofy noises, and the other one can't hear."

"Every time I lay down in bed I think 'why didn't I do this sooner?'"

"Does shaking the vending machine count as working out?"