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Joke of the Day

"I bought shoes from a drug dealer once... I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day."

"I wish lucid dreaming was more controllable Not the duration of lucid dreaming but the destinations I visit. I'm tired of going to McDonalds at 2am"

"AMA Request: Someone who has successfully committed suicide."

"Procrastination is like masturbation... It feels good at first, but in the end, you realize that you just fucked yourself."

"Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad"

"""Everyone has at least one novel inside them"" Baffled airport security rectal examiner at the end of a long, confusing shift"

"What the difference between a pancake? It tastes better with jam."

"wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this me: Tastes like hand sanitizer wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer? me: Yeah wife me wife me: Why?"

"chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord me: I just want some nuggets man cfa employee: I Would Die For You"

"At my soccer game, the referee looked a lot like Edward Snowden... What a whistle blower."