187771

Joke of the Day

"What do you call an actor from Alabama that is forced by contract to play a certain character in a production? Role tied."

"I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter."

"Life is like a box of chocolates.... It doesn't last too long for fat people."

"There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I'm pretty sure it's to charge our phones."

"Ugly people with great bodies should be required to wear a sign on their back with a picture of their face on it."

"Tell a woman she has cute kids and she's all proud. Whisper it to her and she calls the cops."

"Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar? She heard that the drinks were on the house."

"The most Canadian thing I ever heard was a secondhand story about a guy getting his toe bit off by a beaver but not telling his date."

"*sees old person* why don't u just die already *sees young person* u think u know shit... but u don't *sees middle-aged person* fuck u, pal"

"Opens a sperm bank that only accepts redheaded donors.... The Ginger Bred House."