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Joke of the Day

"I don't want to be Oprah rich.I want to be ""never drink off brand soda"" or ""my car stops because I hit the pedal,not because I prayed"" rich."

"Just took one of those ""Which Movie Character Are You?"" quizzes and found out I'm the plastic bag from American Beauty."

"What do you call it when a pimp catches a roomful of hookers snorting coke? A punchline."

"If you are not part of the solution, you're probably running for President"

"Why did the brother octopi look so alike? They were itentacle twins."

"The squiggly red lines in Word documents are your computer's allergic reaction to dumb."

"I just spent the last four hours connecting all of my watches together to make a belt. Complete waist of time."

"What chord does a piano make when it drops on a child? ...A-flat minor"

"Daddy, is Santa coming tonight? No sweetie, mommy has a headache."

"I never feel as much panic as I do when the cashier asks me if I have their member card yet."