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Joke of the Day

"[1st date] Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders] Her: ""Thank you but I'm not cold"" Me: [covering her awful dress] ""Yes you are"""

"REPORTER: *asks question* POLITICIAN: that's a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*"

"""Any minute now. Any minute..."" -Lincoln Logs, waiting for a phone call from Hollywood"

"I'll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that's me."

"What's the difference between a gun and amnesia? Oh shoot, I forgot..."

"What's the difference between a Catholic and a Jew? At least when a Catholic scars you for life, you might get to cum."

"What was the title of the soundtrack to 'The Inconvenient Truth'? Al Gore Rhythms"

"For all of you fighting about Black Friday, please remember... All Fridays matter."

"A cop accidentally arrested a judge who was dressed like a convict for a costume party. He learned to never book a judge by their cover."

"Why did the physicist at the Hadron Collider get thrown in jail? Because he was a mass murderer"