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Joke of the Day

"Using rulers for target practice has really set me back in life. I'm tired of shooting myself in the foot."

"Did Delilah ever tell that guy what New York City is like"

"I have a new party trick. I swallow two bits of string and an hour later they come out my arse tied together... I shit you knot!"

"[elevator] ""Wanna buy a spoon?"" Huh, no, why? [elevator slowly fills with pudding] [opens briefcase filled with spoons] [sheepishly] Yes."

"My 3-year-old told me she covered the house in ""fairy dust"" She better mean cocaine because if it's glitter somebody's going to be homeless"

"Did you read the article about corduroy pillowcases? ... They're making headlines."

"A Hot Romance While watching a romantic movie, my wife leans over and whispers in my ear ""I want you to make me sweaty and wet."" So I shut off the fan."

"I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but... No more. Still mad atchu, meteor."

"something we all think is funny. Everybody thinks a pussy fart is funny, right?"

"In school it be like 2+2=4. Homework: 2x8+3=19. Then the test: Juan has 4 apples, his train is 7 minutes early, calculate the suns mass. Wtf"