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Joke of the Day

"How do you kill a vegetarian vampire? With a steak to the heart."

"Mannequin challenge but me just standing in the kitchen, in the dark, holding the ice cream container as my wife walks by unaware."

"Wife: you're so damn forgetful! M: oh nonsense! W: ok, did you get the cat food? M: WE HAVE A CAT??"

"Someone in America gets raped once every 56 seconds... ...and I feel just awful for her."

"This might be offensive, but what do you call a jewish pokemon trainer? Ash."

"Thor isn't able to stay in hiding long He's not a very loki guy (yeah, still a bit iffy on the wording)"

"I'm sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon."

"Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink Her: This is a funeral home Me: Without a snack bar"

"Last night I hooked up with Edward Snowden's sister. believe me, she's the REAL whistle blower."

"I got fired from the calendar factory... I guess I shouldn't have taken so many days off."