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Joke of the Day

"WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun ME: This couch has such great lumber support WIFE: See?? THERAPIST: Try to stop ME: Oakey dokey"

"What's SpongeBob's worst personality trait? He's way too self-absorbent"

"A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says... ""Why the long face?"" The horse says, ""My wife was just diagnosed with pancreatic cancer."" The bartender says, ""Holy shit! A talking horse!"""

"I didn't get my period this month or any month prior to that. If I'm pregnant my parents will flip. Also science, science will also flip."

"Knock Knock... Who's there? Sean Bean. Sean Bean who? Oh that's right, you started watching after his character died. Works for pretty much anything Sean Bean is in except Sharpe."

"My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it's the lightning that will kill him."

"September 1st Never forget"

"Whats the difference between jelly and jam? I can't jelly my dick in your mouth."

"Me: ""What's the haps, yo?"" 19yo niece: ... Me: ... 19yo niece: ... Me: ""I'm sorry."""

"There are two fish in a tank... ...and one says to the other, ""how do we drive this thing?"""