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Joke of the Day

"I'm really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come over"

"I used to think ""I hope I don't do anything stupid."" Now it's more like ""I hope whatever stupid shit I do at least fits in a tweet."""

"Q. What should you give a man who has everything? A. A woman to show him how to work it."

"People used to laugh at me when I said ""I want to be a comedian."" Well, nobody's laughing now."

"I'd like to thank /r/TwoXChromosomes... ...for reminding that I'm not logged into my account."

"Chief Exec: Any Ideas? Writer 1: Talking Animals! Writer 2: How about a Princess? Writer 3: Kill the parents! -Brainstorming at Disney"

"Two wires were screwing around on the network. What did they discover? Twisted pair."

"What is a lesbians favorite type of woodworking joint? Tongue and groove"

"What is a bed's least favourite time of year? Spring break."

"What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree on top of you would kill you? A pool table."