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Joke of the Day

"I am a massive massive MASSIVE worrier. I can't stress enough."

"*forgets Netflix password* *sends email reset* *forgets email password* *sends reset to backup* 20 resets later: *opens 2nd Netflix account*"

"You are right, 27 is ""just a number"" but I'm looking for a man, not a boy. No offense. PS: Save my number... just in case I change my mind."

"Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside Wife: What's wron- Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE [a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]"

"They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s."

"How do Hawaiian Muslims greet each other? ""Aloha Akbar!"""

"Anne Hathaway always looks like she's unwrapping a gift but she already knows what it is"

"After watching Star Wars 20 told me he probably wouldn't go and see it again. And now I'm thinking he looks a lot like my old mailman."

"[hits you in the face with newspaper] ""Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars."""

"If you didn't want me to wash my car on your lawn than you never should have turned your sprinkler on."