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Joke of the Day

"[God making water] ""it helps plants"" ANGEL: nice ""cleans things"" A: ok ""u die if u don't drink it"" A: ""& drown if u drink it wrong"" A: what"

"60% of my day is spent quickly closing non work-related browser windows when my boss walks by."

"Exits public bathroom stall Makes eye contact with the person next in line Mouths: ""I'm so sorry"""

"The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not."

"Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees."

"My boyfriend isn't allowed to have candles on his birthday cake...Wtf are you wishing for? All your dreams came true when you met me."

"What do Filipinos call Canada? Upper U.S."

"Today's menu: 1 gallon of attitude, 3 cups of sarcasm, 2 tbsp of leave me the hell alone, and a generous cup of shut the f*ck up!"

"Expeditions to Mars Russian expedition: ""Well, there is Mars."" American expedition: ""Well, there are the life forms. Disgusting"" Chinese expedition: ""Not if you know how to cook them properly"""

"Irish Car Bomb Yanks have a cocktail called an ""Irish car bomb"", but if you stuck two flakes in an ice cream cone and called it a 9/11 they'd get offended."