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Joke of the Day

"How many women have you slept with My wife asked me, ""How many women have you slept with?"" I proudly replied, ""Only you, Darling. With all the others I was awake."""

"*buys almond milk* ""I'm gonna get healthy!"" *drinks almond milk* ""This is gross."" *pours Hershey's chocolate syrup in milk* ""Perfect."""

"A virus that wipes out every photo filter across the internet but leaves the photos."

"I took a girl with microcephaly out on a date... I was hoping to get a little head."

"I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!"

"Why does Barbie like Halloween? It's pump-ken time"

"I've fallen in love with a pencil and we're getting married... I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B."

"What did the optical illusion say when he got caught cheating on his wife ""It's not what it looks like!"""

"It's a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days."

"No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar... With our age difference, I wouldn't be a cougar... more like a saber-toothed tiger."