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Joke of the Day

"""is that blood or ketchup?"" ketchup ""how is that even possible?"" *surgeon stops making incision* I don't know"

"Sometimes things go from bad to worse back to bad then awful, rotten, pure sh1t to pathetic & back to bad which feels ok. Hang in there."

"I've got a job defusing landmines. It's difficult, but hopefully soon I'll find my feet."

"Never laughed so hard before watch:D https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HVYS0bbB70s&list=UUL8eY2HmvEDEFvKE3SCL9vw"

"The hardest part What's the hardest part about eating a vegetable? The wheel chair"

"3yo: I don't want a walk Me: Come on, it'll be fun braving the elements [An hour later] 3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?"

"A well timed ""Have a good day!"" can be a great substitute for ""F*ck you!"" in almost every situation."

"Why did the Mexican take Xanax? For Hispanic attacks"

"I hate those people who knock on your door... And tell you that you need to be saved or you'll burn... Stupid firemen."

"If you're in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it's unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable."