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Joke of the Day

"My father put a lot of pressure on me as a child. He used to say stuff like ""You're five years old? When I was your age I was six!"""

"*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*"

"What do you get when you smash two old protons together in the large hadron collider a muon."

"A friend of mine told me she worked as a prostitue for a while... I asked her if she'd ever been picked up by the fuzz. She hadn't, but she said she'd once been swung round by the tits."

"What is the difference between a football player and a new pimp? The football player *kicks* *punts.*"

"Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant."

"Did you hear about the new heated children's gloves that would turn on and off without warning? They worked inter-mitten-ly"

"Why doesn't George R.R Martin use Twitter? Because he killed off all 140 characters."

"I have what CNN is calling 'snow fatigue' symptoms include: Being tired of winter A sudden desire for spring Thoughts of murderous rage"

"What's the definition of ""relative humidity"" in Arkansas? The amount of sweat you can lick off your fathers balls after sex."