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Joke of the Day

"I quit my job at the helium factory today I won't stand to be spoke to in that tone of voice"

"I've been constipated for four days I'm getting real tired of this shit."

"WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front W:What one in front? *angry bees are just everywhere*"

"""You said send nudes? I thought you said send nukes"" And that, ladies and gentleman, is the real reason Clinton shall never be president."

"Dammit, this spermicide didn't work at all. My kids are still here and now they won't stop whining about their eyes burning"

"What did one German baker say to the other? Glutentag!"

"If life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. If life gives you melons... You might have sex daily!"

"Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I'm still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down."

"Why did they bury Rock Hudson ass up? So his friends could stop by and crack open a cold one."

"My dad dressed up as The Invisible Man today He's had the costume on for the last 20 years"