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Joke of the Day

"Calm down 'Fitbit' joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch"

"Someday I will disappoint a burglar with my one drawer of Taco Bell mild sauce packets."

"I generally don't trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision."

"My minivan is always rocking, but it's usually because I'm trying to smack one of the kids in the backseat while I drive."

"What's grey and never needs ironing ? A drip dry elephant !"

"We need to look at how the world really works, not just accept the way we are told it works."

"Me: waiter, do you have frog legs? Waiter: of course monsieur Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer"

"On a scale of 1 to 100, how mature do you think you are? 69"

"If Trump becomes president... there'll be hell toupee"

"Q: What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds? A: Government bonds eventually mature and earn money."