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Joke of the Day

"I went into a medical shop. ""Have you got anything for irritation?"" ""Yes,"" he said, ""But where exactly?"" I said, ""Fuck knows, you tell me. It's your shop."""

"You are so ugly... ...the last time you got a piece of ass was when your hand ripped through the toilet paper."

"Just looked in my 8 yr old son's bedroom and I'm pretty sure it can't be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere."

"[at a funeral home] ME: One death please"

"Which hotel chain was Nikita Khrushchev's favourite? Premier Inn."

"What do bees chew ? Bumble gum !"

"What did the author of The Lord Of The Rings say after he completed his books? If you like dialogue, theres a whole lot of Tolkein."

"How many birds does it take to change a lightbulb? One can't, but two can."

"Q: Why do elephants have big flat feet? A: To stamp out flaming ducks."

"What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac spend most of his time doing? Staying up all night and wondering if there really is a dog."