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Joke of the Day

"Me: I don't care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don't start cooperating. Wrapping paper: *rips*"

"You know why it's women and children first off of a sinking ship? It's so that the men can have some peace and quiet to figure out a solution."

"What do Bill Cosby and Santa have in common? They don't come until you're asleep"

"I have never managed to find a happy medium All the one's I've ever met have a haunted look to them."

"I have a solution to procrastination I will tell you tomorrow"

"Send a guy to the grocery store without a list, and you deserve whatever you get."

"I'm pretty bad at building fences Oops, wrong place for this post."

"Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems... Well, you've always got my number. Me: Yes, is it still 666?"

"Gymnasts used to look tiny and cute, now they look like they'll kick your @ss in a bar fight."

"WIFE: What're you doing in the garage? ME: I made a cloning machine. WIFE: Don't do anything stupid. OTHER ME: Like what?"