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Joke of the Day

"FIRMS YOU'VE NEVER HEARD OF OFFERING SERVICES YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND AT PRICES THEY REFUSE TO DISCUSS."

"""Bro she's a cold digger"" [later with gf] Do you only want me for my germs? [she stops licking my face] Why would you ask that?"

"Just googled ""who is Gossip Girl?"" and swear I heard my mom whisper ""you're one of us now."""

"A person's tongue immediately becomes a toothbrush after you mention ""teeth"" in a conversation."

"I plan on being up really late tonight making voodoo dolls for, well, never mind, you will know who you are soon enough"

"I would suggest that Brazil build a bridge and get over it... but given their record...."

"They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted."

"TIL that Martin Luther King Jr got a C in public speaking Look where it got him. Murdered."

"What do old people smell like? Depends..."

"Why doesn't Justin Bieber like Sports Authority? Because he likes Dicks."