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Joke of the Day

"*incoming text* ""hey bud can I crash at ur place"" Sure come on over *sound of approaching airplane*"

"Drinking Coors is like sex in a canoe It's fucking close to water"

"What did the unemployed hippie say when his dad told him to get a job. Namaste Jah bless."

"In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta."

"Tonight's Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty."

"Why did the Trump campaign order its followers to destroy all fax machines? They thought it was spelled ""facts."""

"My girlfriend has lost all feeling from her waist down.... what an insensitive cunt."

"its 2013 fellas, if youre saying anything other than ""punch out a grumpy"" to describe taking a crap youre a dinosaur"

"I'm so glad that Twitter keeps track of my number of posts. It is so refreshing to be able to properly quantify my wasted time."

"i asked ""where"" I work in a hospital. I once asked a confused patient if she had pain. She said yes. I said ""Where?"" She said, ""San Diego."""